I think we can all admit to having a few not so healthy dating habits here and there. We text too often or never text at all. We put our entire lives on hold for a new guy or we barely squeeze him into our schedules for a coffee date. We declare that we’re over men and we just want to focus on ourselves…until the bartender winks at us. I mean, they say old habits die hard for a reason. And depending on you and your situation, some of the above “bad” habits might actually be good ones for you. It truly all comes down to what you’re looking for.
However, I do think there are some basic dating no-nos that a lot of us can’t help but do on the regular. These are habits that feel comfortable and easy so it’s no surprise why we all do it. Myself included! The problem is that just because we’ve avoided a potentially awkward situation in the moment doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t arise (and be ten times worse) down the road. We put ourselves in sticky situations far too often and in 2019 I think it’s time to get it together.
I’m listing 5 bad dating habits that I think we should all ditch this year. The result could totally transform that way we approach dating, prevent us from wasting our precious time and avoid men who just simply aren’t worth the effort.
#1: CAN WE START SAYING NO MORE OFTEN PLEASE?
Unfortunately, as women, we are constantly feeling the need to accommodate everyone else, to apologize constantly for you know, just being around and to sugar coat every god damn thing we say.
We gotta let that go, babe. It’s 2019 and we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to. Especially when it comes to dating. It’s an experience that’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable. If you’re stressed you’re doing it wrong.
My friends and I could tell you countless stories of all the many times we haven’t said “no” because we didn’t want to be rude or make things uncomfortable. And I’m not just talking about sex. I mean saying “no” to a second date after not having a great first one, saying “no” to your creepy coworker who asks for your number, saying “no” to another drink when you’re bored out of your mind, etc. So often we have this little voice in our heads saying “just go with it and then it’ll be over” and THAT is unhealthy and makes for an unsatisfying dating life.
Related: The 7 Worst Dates I’ve Ever Been On
When I worked at Victoria’s Secret I had a manager who would interview potential employees and if she didn’t like their answer to the very first question she would thank them for their time and say goodbye. Sometimes the interviews would last for 3 minutes. But she knew what she was looking for and she didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, especially hers.
Seems like a brutal way to approach dating and yeah, you don’t need to walk out on a date after 3 minutes if he tells you he’s not really a dog person (but wtf) but you do not have to go above and beyond to avoid making someone “feel bad”. You making them more comfortable will not make you more comfortable and if you are not into the situation you are allowed to remove yourself from it. Even if he bought you dinner.
And if you feel guilty because he’s such a “nice” guy, think about it this way: you are doing him a disservice by not allowing him to use his time to find someone who does like him. And if he’s truly as nice as you believe, he’ll appreciate you being honest and will honor your “no”.
This also applies to when you’re dating someone you do like. I know that in the beginning, we all want to do whatever it takes to earn the affection of the other person but we can’t keep sacrificing our own comfort and needs to do so. If you want this to work in the long term you can’t keep going to raves and kicking back Jager shots (so foul) with his friends if you hate those things. All it will lead to is your resentment and his confusion because you never said no when you could have. Also if you’re dating someone who is into either of the two things I just mentioned probably best to just say no to the whole package, ya know?
#2: STOP LYING AND GHOSTING
This goes pretty hand in hand with the above bad habit. If you’ve started saying “no” more often, yay! But if you’ve started saying “no” by lying or actually just not saying anything at all, I rescind your “yay”.
When I didn’t want to see a guy anymore that I was casually dating I used to tell that it was because I had just gone through a bad breakup and just still wasn’t over my ex. And this was true…for the first few months. Once it had been a couple years it turned into a straight up lie. And if I wasn’t making up a sob story excuse I was just ghosting them and blocking their number.
The problem with that is that I get so offended when guys do that to me. Why can’t you just be up front and honest with me? Don’t I deserve that after taking time out of my busy life to get to know you?
…yes I do. And so do they.
If a guy is truly gross/creepy/disrespectful then ghost away! If he’s just not the one for you, tell him that. As hardcore as it sounds. You have to let people know when they’re just not a match for you so they can move on too. Because a lot of the times when I would tell guys I couldn’t date them because I was heartbroken, they would reach out again a few months later to see if I was ready to date again. So then I’m double lying. Yikes.
I recently texted a guy I had gone on two fun dates with that I just didn’t feel a romantic connection with him, although I really enjoyed hanging out and was grateful for how kind he was to me. And you know what? He didn’t freak out, or get upset or write me back a scathing message about how I’m “fat anyway” (lol). He was sweet and thanked me for being honest. And that was that.
Of course, there will always be the assholes who get angry or respond negatively but that just confirms that you made the right decision. Honesty will always be the best policy.
#3: DATING PEOPLE WE DON’T LIKE JUST BECAUSE THEY LIKE US
Listen. We all enjoy feeling desired. It’s nice to have someone who wants to take us on dates and who texts us every day and who posts heart eye emojis on our Instagrams. I get it. But if deep down you know that you just don’t have that feeling about them (you know the one) then you can’t force yourself to like them.
I use to find myself dating guys for months, trying to make myself feel a certain way about them when those emotions just weren’t ever going to be there. They would be sweet, funny, good guys but I just wouldn’t feel attracted to them on that level. Which, again, is pretty fucked up because they could have been using that time to invest in someone else who was actually really into them.
I would know that I didn’t have feelings for them in that way but I would keep seeing them just to have the feeling of being with someone who liked me. Not only was this super uncool of me because I was leading the other person on, but I was also just stuck in this shitty mindset where I believed I wouldn’t be able to find anything better. I thought it was better to be with someone I don’t really like than to be alone. Which is sad.
Thankfully, this is a habit I ditched a few years ago but it can still be tempting to entertain someone who shows interest even when I know it won’t go anywhere. But because I’ve become so comfortable with being alone and truly enjoy spending time with myself I’m able to let that idea go before it even turns into anything.
#4: NO MORE EXCUSES
This is a biggie, and we all do it. When he doesn’t call, we think it must be because his phone is dead. When he never makes plans with you first, it’s because he’s just not a “take charge” kind of guy. When he takes two days to respond to your text, it’s because he’s sooo busy with work. You get it. Because you do it. All. The. Time.
We can’t help it! First of all, things really do happen. So no one wants to throw away a potentially good thing over a misunderstanding. Secondly, if we like someone we really want things to work which can make even the most unforgivable offenses, totally forgivable.
Let me be clear: if he likes you, he will text you back. If he likes you, he will actively try to see you. If he likes you, he will make sure you know it. There is no schedule too busy, no family too dysfunctional and no phone service so bad that it will stop him from speaking to you. If he claims there is, he is lying and he does not like you. It’s just the damn truth.
Related: The Single Girl’s Guide to Online Dating
Have you ever experienced a guy who was really into you? Where he’s calling you and texting you “good morning beautiful” and asking when he gets to see you next. It can even feel like a little much. Slow your roll buddy. It’s pretty night and day when compared with the other scenarios I described. My point is, it is obvious when a guy is into you. You don’t need to waste your time making excuses when you could find someone who doesn’t need any.
You deserve an attentive, kind, thoughtful man who will put in just as much (or preferably a little more) effort as you do. Anything less, we say thank u, next!
#5: STOP WITH THE HEAVY EXPECTATIONS
To be clear, I believe there is a big difference between high expectations and heavy expectations. We should all have high expectations of the people we’re dating in terms of treatment. Duh. They should be respectful and kind and anything else we need blah, blah blah. But then there are heavy expectations, and that’s where we can get into trouble.
Basically, ladies, we need to chill the fuck out. We get so excited about a new guy before we even go on a first date and all that does is set us up for disappointment. Of course, it’s totally valid to look forward to a date or meeting someone new, but when we enter our date with visions of our baby nephew waddling down the aisle carrying our rings on a satin pillow, it’s gone a little too far.
The reason why a lot of women hate dating is because they have an unrealistic view of what the result will be and then they’re upset when what they imagined doesn’t unfold in real life. You cannot expect a boyfriend from a first date. That is so much unnecessary pressure on both of you and won’t allow you to fully enjoy the experience. You’ll be too busy thinking about the color of your bridesmaid’s dresses to hear him say he doesn’t believe in marriage and then woooooow 6 months down the drain. Lol, I made that up, not speaking from personal experience just FYI.
If I believed that every guy I went on a date with was going to turn into something serious I would be living a life of constant frustration and sorrow. You can’t expect that. You have to just go in with an open mind and hope for the best. I’m not saying expect things to go terribly but try going on a date where you don’t have any expectations for anything more and see how it feels. Probably a lot less painful if things don’t work out and a lot more exciting if they do.
Did I miss any bad dating habits? Tell me yours in the comments!
Xo, She
